You Guys Need Help

May 14, 2009

Well, at least Adrian’s having fun.

I swear, it’s those stupid sand uniforms! THEY MAKE US LOSE. Why does that not make any sense to you guys? Come on, it’s so obvious!!

Adrian hit his 12th homer, top of the first. Just like Tuesday. Did it help anything? Of course not!

Chris Young gave up four home runs, six runs, in four innings. He got the loss, keeping the streak of a starting pitcher not winning a game since April 16th.

The start of the game was delayed by rain, and there was a four-minute rain delay during the game. Then the game was called after eight. It’s not like we would have come back anyway, but it’s kind of odd that they called it then. Oh well.

The bullpen actually didn’t allowing anything last night! Shocking. Mujica, Gregerson, and Sanchez combined for a few scoreless innings.

Adrian hit another homer later in the game, his 13th. Scott Hairston, Chase, Adrian, and Luis Rodriguez each had two hits. We had 11 hits total, which is crazy! This team doesn’t do that. Well, maybe they do, but they don’t get the hits they need to, like when they left seven runners on.

After getting his second hit, Luis rounded first and suddenly hopped on his right foot, obviously stuck by pain. He was able to hobble back into first, while the mean Cub threw to first! Come on, can’t you see he’s hurt? Least you could do was let the poor guy not have to hurt himself more by hurrying back to first!

Luis is going on the DL. Well, second shortstop down, one more to go. Chris Burke’s the dude right now, though Edgar Gonzalez and David Eckstein could play there. Sounds like KT’s going dumpster diving, though.

After the terrible loss last night, my boys don’t get their cell phones back. Their play has been so terrible lately!

I think it’s time to bring in the psychiatrist.

 Brian Giles, you’re first.

Let’s name our psychiatrist Bob.

BOB: So, Brian, I understand that you’ve been going through a lot lately.

BRIAN (turning bright red): Well, what do you expect? My former girlfriend is accusing me of abusing her, and I’m accusing her of abusing me, and I can’t seem to find my groove, and I’m batting in the seven spot, and…and…I’m getting old!!!

BOB: Calm down, Brian, take a deep breath, there you go. Now, Brian, it seems to me that you’re under a lot of stress. Perhaps you should go take a long hot shower…oh wait, you guys can’t have hot showers. Never mind.

NEXT!

DUANER SANCHEZ: Hello, Bob. I have a problem.

BOB: Oh?

DUANER: Yes, I seem to give up run after run after run when I go out to pitch. I also can’t seem to understand the concept of throwing strikes.

BOB: Oh man, you need help!

DUANER: Yeah, that’s why you’re here.

BOB: Oh yeah. Well, I think the only way I can help you is this: if you can’t find the strike zone soon, you going to be looking for it in Triple-A.

Jake Peavy, looks like you’re next.

JAKE: (imagine country drawl) Bob, ah jist don’t git it. Ah mean, ah lurve San Diego and all, but this country boy ain’t gettin’ any run support durin’ his starts. Ah’m tryin’ so hard, man, but somethin’ gaotta give.

BOB: Yes, I see that you have five losses already. That’s terrible for a Cy Young Award winner!

JAKE (moaning): Ah know it, Bobby. Ah mean, ah struck me out nine guys on Tuesday, but ah only gotter a two-runner homer to support me, ya know?

BOB: Of all the team, I would think that you would be the most affected. I mean, you had a tough offseason with all the trade talks, and now you’re on a losing team that simply won’t score any runs for you. Now, how do you feel about the sand uniforms?

JAKE (in an angry tone): Man, ah hate those thangs!! Ah never want to be wearin’ them, ‘specially after that there Game 163, but Harry makes me. Ah don’t know why…I’m thinkin’ about makin’  big ole BBQ in mah backyard in the offseason; then we can be burnin’ them!!

Oh Koooooz…your turn!!

 
KOUZ: Hey, Bob, does my hair look OK?

BOB: Kevin, you don’t have any hair.

KOUZ: Oh – yeah.

BOB: So, I hear you’ve been in quite a bit of a slump.

KOUZ: Well, I’ve been getting in my reps, so it’s all good.

BOB: Even if you’re not hitting well?

KOUZ: Well, I know I look really good, so I think that’s all that really matters. As long as all the girls are swooning over me, it doesn’t really matter if I’m hitting or not.

BOB: But wouldn’t they like you more if you played well?

KOUZ: They don’t notice. All they see is my beautiful face.

BOB: Seems like we have a bit of a pride issue here.

KOUZ (shocked look on his beautiful face): Bob! I’m just saying the truth!

BOB: I think I’ve figured out your problem! How many times to you look at yourself in the mirror during a game?

KOUZ: Too often to count, Bob. I need to be constantly checking my beard.

BOB: You need help!

KOUZ: That’s why you’re here.

BOB: Oh yeah. Um, Kevin, I think you need to concentrate on your performance on the field more than your face. You’re always going to be beautiful to the girls, so you need to just show off that bat and that glove. Hope you get out of that slump soon.

(Kouz walks out, rubbing his beautiful bald head. Bob is left alone in the room.)

BOB: This team needs some major help.

KAYBEE: That’s why I brought you here, Bob!!

BOB: True, but they need REAL help. They need more than a psychiatrist. They need new bats and some winning dust.

KAYBEE: What, you want me to call Tinkerbell next?

BOB: I’m just saying…

KAYBEE: Bye, Bob. Thanks for trying.

Well, the Padres have an early game today. Hopefully the weather will behave and we will be able to get this one in with no interupptions. Chad Gaudin will go for his first win against Ryan Dempster. Hopefully the boys got to clear their heads a little by meeting with Bob, and they’d better get the win today. I do not want to get swept again.

GO PADRES!!!

(photo credits: 3.bp.blogspot.com, ???)  

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Written by Kaity Bergquist Posted in Dailies